Laura on Life

By Laura Snyder

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SAVVY DATING…for all ages

By Tonja Evetts Weimer

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Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author & speaker.  You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info.

Laura on Life

I was looking through some old photographs the other day.  The one thing I noticed, other than the fact that I used to be cuter… and thinner… was that the hairstyles that were “in” when I was “in” are so… “out” now.

            In fact, the more pictures I looked at, the more I realized that nearly every woman my age has gone through the same phases of hairstyles that I did.

            As a baby, you had those wispy little curls of hair that your daughter had:  Those sweet little ringlets of hair that you never wanted to cut.

            However, at some point your brother got hold of a pair of scissors and played barbershop with your hair.  That’s how you ended up with the bangs you always despised.

            From about 4th or 5th grade you decided not to put up with those bangs any longer.  They made you look childish.  No matter that you were, in fact, still a child.  By the time those bangs grew out you wouldn’t be a child any longer, you thought.

            So middle school was a hair nightmare of barrettes, head bands, scrunchies and styles that would hide how hideous you looked because you were trying to grow out those bangs.  You knew, though, that once they grew out, your braces came off, and you sprouted some breasts, you’d look like a super model.

            Except that, by that time, the styles would change again and you were supposed to look like Farrah Fawcett and Cheryl Tiegs – not Twiggy.

            Well, heck.  Now you have to cut your hair in layers and learn how to use a curling iron.  If you look closely, in your high school year book, you are bound to see at least one girl who had to get her picture taken with a curling iron burn on the side of her face.  Maybe it was you.

            After they starting filling emergency rooms with embarrassing curling iron incidents, celebrities, in a rare moment of solidarity, decided to ditch the curling iron and embrace the curly perm.  When the curly perm grew out, the shag hairstyle was born. 

            The shag only lasted until the layers grew out in the back and what was left was the infamous hairstyle called the mullet.  Short on top, long in the back, no curls, no maintenance.  The mullet tried to incorporate every hairstyle to date and failed miserably.  It really only looked good on Billy Ray Cyrus.  Of course, Billy Ray Cyrus would have looked good bald.  Who was looking at his hair, anyway?

            At some point, shortly after the mullet became popular, someone - some influential someone - actually looked at themselves in a mirror, from the side, and said, “Oh…no.”  And the mullet was dead.

            Here’s where everything gets a little fuzzy.  This is perhaps the time when women of my age decided to find a hairstyle that looked good on them individually.  There was a lot of guesswork.  A lot of walking out of a hair salon having paid a good tip for a style that you were sure you’d grow to adore, but  when you arrived home, your husband invariably looked at you as if a Muppet had emerged from your scalp.  It was every woman for herself.

            You experimented with past styles.  You let the hairdresser talk you out of a body wave and turn your head into a Brillo pad in an effort to show you that, with her expensive products, you can look like you have a body wave without actually getting one.

            You cut it short.  You grow it long.  You try a rainbow of different shades of  hair color.  You gel it, spike it, tease it, and toss it.

            Finally, you realize that it doesn’t matter what you do with your hair, you are never going to look like a super model because the rest of your body is not cooperating.

            Then you do what many older women have done:  You tell the hairdresser to cut it all off so you don’t have to mess with it anymore.  This will make it abundantly clear to anyone who cares to question your decision, that you are not trying to look like a super model, you are merely being practical.

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SAVVY DATING…for all ages
By Tonja Evetts Weimer

Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., is a Master Certified Single’s Coach, and Life Coach.  You can contact her at tonja@tonjaweimer.com, visit her website at www.singlesdatingtips.com, or call 864-294-949

SAVVY DATING …for all ages
By Tonja Evetts Weimer

You Don’t Want Games for Christmas

What would you like for Christmas this year?  Something special?  Something not too break-the-bank expensive, loaded with sentiment and thoughtfulness?  Lots of gifts fit in those categories, but there’s one type you can do without—GAMES.  Naturally, we’re not talking about board games, video games, or sports equipment.  When you are single, you want to forget the games people play, the manipulative behavior to seduce someone, and all things false and contrived.  Why?  Because like attracts like and if you’re playing games to get someone to fall in love with you, you will undoubtedly wind up with… another game player.

To avoid game playing maneuvers that will only bring you emptiness, pay attention to the hollow sounding advice being dispensed in some parts of the culture.  Here is some—

Bad Advice:

1. Don’t Be Yourself

It is true that as a single, you want to show up with your best self.  But pretending to be someone other than you is exhausting, deceptive, and sets you up to always be masquerading.  If you think there is nothing good about you to present to others, then you don’t need to be working on your dating life.  You need to get some help to discover and appreciate your own authenticity.  Posing as someone else is—game playing.  This holiday season, dare to be you.

2. Be Aloof

If you act like a cold “I don’t need anyone” type of person when someone is trying to meet you, it will probably bring you the opposite of what you want, which is being left alone.  If someone does pay attention to you because of that kind of behavior, you may attract people who are into “the chase.”  They like breaking down your walls, and eventually, breaking your heart.  There is truth to the fact that you don’t want to be needy, desperate, and dying to be noticed.  Those qualities are not attractive.  But playing the game of being hard-to-get in hopes of magnetizing the opposite sex will only bring you someone as insincere as your actions.  This game doesn’t work if you want a lasting, trustworthy, and loyal relationship.  If you have a life you are proud of and values you adhere to, you can be as friendly and discerning as you want.  You are in charge of you, and an honest, successful, genuine person does not need to play the aloof game.  You’ll attract everyone by being your warm, dignified self.

3. Have Pick-up Lines

Anyone using glib pick-up lines is not attractive.  You don’t want to use them and you don’t want someone who does.  And if you do use a line, and someone falls for this false flattery, this is not going to be the most stable, secure person in the bunch. People who use pickup lines and seek to stroke others in order to have power over them are usually manipulative, controlling, insecure, and out of touch with their integrity.  Further, anyone who is desperate enough to believe shallow praise and is willing to accept superficial compliments needs to find genuine ways to build their self esteem.

When you’re out socializing, say hello, ask the person their name, and introduce yourself.  If they are receptive, take it from there with questions about where they’re from, what they do, and what they enjoy when they’re not working.  If they’re acting remote, move on.  They are either playing the game of being cold—or, they are cold.  If you value the life you have built—you won’t want to play this game.

4. Women Should Not Approach Men

Didn’t this behavior go out with the Victorian era?  I coach all my clients, men and women, to be the “chooser.”  That means to develop an awareness of who you want to talk with when you are out meeting people.  Women do themselves a great disservice when they are afraid to move near someone and strike up a conversation.  As a woman, if you are standing there waiting to be “found”, and you don’t make an effort to talk to people, you probably should be wearing a comfortable pair of shoes because—you may be standing there a long time.  Certainly, no man or woman wants to be cornered or stalked by someone who is desperate.  But if a nice person (you) comes up to say hi to someone, it can only be perceived as flattering.  When you go out, you absolutely want to scan the room to see if there is anyone who looks interesting.  If you catch someone’s eye and you elicit a smile, move close enough to say hello.  Really great guys (and girls) are not turned off by friendliness.  What does turn them off?  Games.

It’s the holiday season.  Think about what you’d like to give yourself this year.  You deserve an enduring Christmas present that attracts people all year long.  What would that be?  Knowing how to extend friendliness, kindness, and a genuine interest in others—minus any games.