SAVVY DATING…for all ages

By Tonja Evetts Weimer

Please Help Me!

Dear Tonja,

I am currently in college, and I really like this guy in my class. He was actually in one of my other classes last semester. In that class, he would look at me a lot and smile at me. I did the same back. Sometimes he would even tease me. One time, I walked into class, and he looked up at me. He smiled and then I smiled at him too. He looked down and was still smiling. It was like that all last semester. He never talked to me much. He mostly just looked at me and smiled at me. It never went any further than that. I emailed him over break to ask him a question about one of our assignments. He emailed me back, and asked if he could add me to his friends list. I said that he could.

Now I am starting a new semester, and I ran into him in one of the buildings. We said hello, and he asked me what classes I was taking. He told me we have one of our classes together. We keep talking to each other. Then I went to class (the one we have together), and he walks in and sits next to me. We talk some. The only thing is he is not as flirty with me as he was last semester. Do you think he still likes me? I mean, he flirted with me constantly last semester, but he never asked me out. I do know that he is single. Could you please let me know what to do ASAP? I really like him. Everyone says he probably didn’t ask me out because he thought I already had a boyfriend, but I didn’t have a boyfriend.

Another thing is I am not supposed to make a move when it comes to guys. My parents are so old-fashioned when it comes to that. Please just help me out. I really need to know if you think there’s still hope.

Please Help Me!

Dear Please Help Me,

Thanks for a great letter. You summed up a practical problem that many students share. Here are my thoughts and suggestions:

1. You have to let guys know who you are and that you would like to see them. You actually must say, “I’d like to see you sometime outside of class. Do you want to have coffee?” That is not aggressive. That is smart. Guys are terrified of rejection. If you were not letting him know you liked him, he was probably afraid to take a chance.

2. You may have let your window of opportunity pass you by. He may have given up on you, thinking you were not interested in him. The dating world has changed. Now is the time in this 21st century to let others know that you are interested in them. If you don’t, that leaves you at the mercy of being “chosen” by a guy you are not as interested in as you want to be. Then, you are left with “settling” for less than you want, trying to make them into the person you want them to be. Smart girls create an opportunity to meet up with a guy socially. Ask questions such as: “Are you going to the event (dance, social, church, party, etc.) tonight?”  “ Would you like to meet for coffee or a coke after class?”  “Some of us are going to a movie – would you like to join us? Here is my email and phone number.”  If he doesn’t jump at the chance to spend time with you, he may have met someone else.

3. In the future, when a guy shows this much interest, give him some solid encouragement. Do not “wait” to be asked out. Tell him where you’ll be after class, or after 5:00, or on a Saturday afternoon.  Tell him you hope he can join you.  After that, the ball is in his court!  You have nothing to lose with this friendly invitation.

Here are some rules to remember that will guide you in future dating settings:

1. Guys are scared to death of rejection. Without being too obviously forward, make it easy for him to ask you out. Doing something in a group is always safe.
2. You be the chooser.  Girls “waiting” for guys to ask them out doesn’t work.  If you “wait” for the right guy to come along, you may be 80 when he gets there.  Take responsibility for who you go out with by looking around and choosing the person you want to talk to.  
3. Whenever you get a chance, compliment him. This sends the message that you’d like to know him better.  (If you touch his arm at the same time you compliment him, he’s yours.)

If he is no longer available, move on.  If he was attracted, it means you have the attraction mojo thing going for you.  There are lots of great guys, so don’t settle for just anyone.  When you do the above, you can help yourself to the people and the life you want.